Food for Thought
by tgmoxie
Summary: Mulder's thoughts as Reyes drives Scully away. Set during "Essence" (8x20).


TITLE: Food for Thought  
AUTHOR: Theresa Verhaalen  
RATING: PG  
SPOILERS: Essence  
AUHTOR'S NOTE: This sequence happens right after the closing bits of Essence (8x20). The father is finally revealed.

As the car drove away, Reyes at the wheel, Mulder sank inwardly. He stared after his love, Scully, in the car, her coppery head faced squarely forward as it had been all her life. He knew she'd be a soldier, like before. Why had he thought that loving her would end the gap of frustration, that it would quell the tide of emptiness since his sister's departure years ago?

Skinner turned to face him, as they watched the silvery car race off into the night. From this height, it seemed almost ethereal, and Mulder almost forgot about the rejuvenated Billy Miles, an alien shell of what he had been, now a mindless killer. He thought about the father, how it was the one secret hardest to keep to himself. The ragged yearning shone in Mrs. Scully's eyes, yet it was one frenetic piece of the puzzle he dared not admit. No, it was too private.

As Skinner and he made their way from the roof of the garage, they didn't speak. He longed to call Scully, but it would be for naught. What? To worry her needlessly because I want to cheer her up? It didn't make sense, yet it made all the sense to him. He loved her deeply, even more so now. She was so strong, like her mother before her, she bore so many things over the years, and all because of his insistence to follow the truth, and they had, seen many truths. But they had always been covered up in the end, erased. A file that no longer existed even though it had before. Asking his superiors to make leaps in judgment. And now, there was no one protecting him. Or her. Why her?

As they made their way to Skinner's car, and drove, his mind was raging with so many emotions.

How could I have let it get this far? There were times before that she had been at the brink-when her sister Melissa was gunned down, when he was so certain that he had seen his sister and then again Scully became the target. Always, she pressed on. Always, she shrugged off her losses. He had convinced her that his quest was hers, and she had taken him up on the offer. But he should have let her go when her back was up. They could have remained allies-or not. But now his selfishness plagued him. Who am I angry with? Her-for staying on the journey or those elements that would seek to destroy us? Haven't they always been here? Would they have left her alone if we gave up?

He shook his head.

He thought of the baby growing in Scully's womb, the hope that resided in her heart. The fear that plagued her. Sometimes he even wondered, with all the finagling by the doctors if it was even going to be human.   
Cold black alien eyes. Scaly skin. He shuddered.

Was he even going to be a part of it's life? Why should I be? Why would she allow that? It wouldn't help manners any. And what am I, anyway? Just a piece of her life that's outgrown it's welcome, long ago.  
It was bad enough involving her passions so fiercely, manipulating her downward in her career, all to solve the X-files, his life. That with which he could not live without.   
But it was all bunk without her. And now, he had dragged an innocent into this, a child. After reading the DNA chart that concluded the paternity, he could hardly believe it. He clapped a hand over his eyes, massaging the aching bridge of his nose. The stitches moved, and his eyebrow ridge felt like it was on fire.

"You all right?" Skinner intruded, his voice thinly masking his concern.

"No matter what happens I always am," he replied, smiling mirthlessly, eyes facing forward.

Skinner gripped the wheel a little harder. He could see that Mulder didn't need a conversation, so he dropped it.

"Is it true that you were the first one that Scully told about her pregnancy?" He asked.

"Yes, it's true. She felt I was someone she could trust." Skinner could sense that Mulder was again onto something, there was a piece of information missing from all of this.

He nodded, not meeting Skinner's gaze, terrified that it would brand him guilty. "Well, then, I need to trust you with something too. It's something that no one else knows." His voice became weightier, and it wavered with emotion.

"Yeahwhat is it?"

Mulder shut his eyes. "I know who the father is. I know that revealing his identity will place him at risk, but for her sake, and the baby's, it's best that someone who still has power in the FBI know."

He opened his eyes. "Now, you know that she selected from a pool of donors, after the artificial insemination didn't take."

"Yes?"

"Well, after that, they were negatives as well."

Skinner stopped the car. He was almost shaking. "But I thought the donor was one of them-the DNA results were destroyed in the fire, how could you possibly know who the father is?"

"Because I was there before the records were destroyed. And because there was one more try after all else failed." He smirked.

"And-how did you become privy to this?"

"How else?" Mulder met Skinner's gaze, the secret a second away. "I'm the father."

Skinner's eyes widened in surprise, then in anger.

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